It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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