normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
