At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Drake has all the answers
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
