Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
