My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
did i just pee glitter
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
