I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
