I heard we made out
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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