he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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