Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
