Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
