Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
