he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
