turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
