The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
