Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
