hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
