My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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