my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
