There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
