At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
