she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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