a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Is it penis luge time yet?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
