Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
