she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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