2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my phone needs a breathalizer
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
