uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
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He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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