We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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