WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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