you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
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dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
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Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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