She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Randomize
