I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
