the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
