we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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