I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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