I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
NoShamevember. You game?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
