I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
