i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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