yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
