Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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