Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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