the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
