I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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