i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
