Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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