If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
