kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i believe in u and ur pee
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