so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
