how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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