Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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