from now on my penis is your penis
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
organizing the empties. That sober.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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