Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
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Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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