I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
