Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
