our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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