Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
