Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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