ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
