LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
