I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
