Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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