I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
