I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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