So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Randomize
