Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
