My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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