I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
