This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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