Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
